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silly, silly jokes......

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by luke sheath, Sep 28, 2013.

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  1. luke sheath

    luke sheath New Member

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    a few silly jokes to raise a smile! ........


    a friend of mine was chopping carrots with the grim reaper the other day, turns out he was dicing with death!

    this morning I found someone had left a lump of plastiscene on the roof of the car, I didn't know what to make of it!

    a guy was making his way through a graveyard, someone popped his head over the wall and said "morning" and the guy said no, just walking the dog!

    did you hear about the guy doing his pilots licence exam that flew through a rainbow? he passed with flying colours!

    do you know the TOILET was stolen from my local police station?
    the police have nothing to go on........!

    did you hear about the little kid that sucked on a tube of glue?
    his mum said "what have you been up to?" but his lips were sealed !

    what do you call a tellytubby who's just been mugged?
    simply "a tubby" !

    I have a granddad we all call granddad spiderman! good name eh? hes not spiderman cos he has super power or anything, he just cant get out the bath!!

    granddad is a strange one though, he collects antiques and stains furniture, but he doesn't realise hes doing it....!

    a guy bought a house next to a volcano, he got house insurance, they told him not to worry, if anything happens he'll be covered !!

    th th tht th th th THATS ALL FOLKS (for now :D )
     
    #1
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  2. Simon@NTS

    Simon@NTS Trader
    Trader

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    Ive lolled but you've got too much time on ya hands mate!!!!!! lol
     
    #2
  3. fq-craigus

    fq-craigus Well-Known Member

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    Made me smile so mission accomplished haha
     
    #3
  4. luke sheath

    luke sheath New Member

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    splendid :)

    what do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen !!!!! :D
     
    #4
  5. danevo6

    danevo6 Member

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    Guy meets a fat girl at a disco. He chats her up, they get on well, so at the end of the evening she asks him back to her flat. He’s not too sure because she is a bit on the large side he but he thinks what the hell. Back at her place they go upstairs and get down to the business. He climbs on top. After a while he says would it be ‘OK if we turned off the light’.

    She gets all uptight. ‘You’re just like all the other blokes I meet. Every bloke wants to screw me but nobody wants to look at me because I’m so fat’.

    ‘No its not that’ says the bloke, ‘its just that the bulb is burning my arse'
     
    #5
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  6. danevo6

    danevo6 Member

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    James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
    He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch. The woman notices this and asks,-Is your date running late?-No,he replies, -Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.-
    The intrigued woman says, -State-of-the-art watch? What is so special about it?-It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically,- Bond explains. -So what's it telling you now?-says the woman.Well, it says you're not wearing any panties,-Bond replies. The woman giggles and says, -Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!-
    Bond smirks, taps his watch and says,-Bloody thing's an hour fast!
     
    #6
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  7. danevo6

    danevo6 Member

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    I have just had a letter back from Srewfix...

    They said they regretted but had to inform me that they were not actually a dating agency!
     
    #7
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  8. evogeof

    evogeof Super Moderator

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    Funny guys
     
    #8
  9. danevo6

    danevo6 Member

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    During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, -How do you determine whether
    or not an older person should be put in an old age home?-Well,he said, -we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.

    Oh, I understand,- I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup- he said.- A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?
     
    #9
  10. danevo6

    danevo6 Member

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    The Pastor's Ass

    The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
    it won.

    The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
    that he entered it in the
    race
    again and it won again.


    The local paper read:
    PASTOR'S
    ASS OUT FRONT.

    The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
    publicity that he ordered
    the
    Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.



    The next day the local paper headline
    read:
    BISHOP
    SCRATCHES
    PASTOR'S
    ASS.
    This was too much for the Bishop so he
    ordered the Pastor to get
    rid
    of the donkey.

    The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
    nearby convent.

    The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
    the following headline
    the
    next day:


    NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

    The Bishop fainted.

    He informed the Nun that she would have to
    get rid of the donkey so
    she
    sold it to a farmer for $10.
    The next day the paper read:

    NUN
    SELLS ASS FOR $10.

    This was too much for the Bishop so he
    ordered the Nun to buy back
    the
    donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
    wild.

    The next day the headlines read:

    NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
    The ! Bishop was buried the next day.

    The moral of the story is . . . being
    concerned about public opinion
    can
    bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your
    life.

    So be yourself and enjoy life.

    Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
    you'll be a lot happier
    and
    live longer!

    Have
    a nice day!
     
    #10
  11. danevo6

    danevo6 Member

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    A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up my date at her

    parents’ home.

    I’d scraped together enough money to take her to a very nice restaurant.

    She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail;
    Lobster; Champagne.

    I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

    “No,” she replied. “But my mother’s not expecting a bl*w job tonight.”

    I said ,-enjoy!
     
    #11
  12. danevo6

    danevo6 Member

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    When I was a boy, mother would send me down to the corner shop with £3, and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread,

    three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a large box of teabags, and a half a dozen eggs.

    You can't do that now.

    Too many feckin' security cameras.
     
    #12
  13. danevo6

    danevo6 Member

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    ....One lady owner.

    So the clutch is f..ked then?
     
    #13
  14. danevo6

    danevo6 Member

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    APARTMENT for RENT

    A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
    the night with her for $500. They did their thing,
    and, before he left, he told her that he did
    not have any cash with him, but he would have his
    secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
    the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

    On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
    done, realizing that the whole event had not been
    worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:






    'Dear Madam:
    Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your
    apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
    because when I rented the place, I was under the
    impression that:
    #1 - it had never been occupied;
    #2 - there was plenty of heat; and
    #3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
    However, I found out that:
    #1 - it had been previously occupied,
    #2 - there wasn't any heat, and
    #3 - it was entirely too large.'
    Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
    returned the check for $250 with the following note:






    'Dear Sir:
    #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
    beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
    #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
    know how to turn it on.
    #3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
    regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
    to fill it, please do not blame the management.
    So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
    to contact your present landlady... !!
     
    #14
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  15. duke748

    duke748 Member

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    A family is driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.The man says, “Please make my dog win the next dog race.”The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfil his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.The man says, “Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area. The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.The frog turns to the man and says, “Could I please have another look at the dog?”
     
    #15
  16. danevo6

    danevo6 Member

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  17. luke sheath

    luke sheath New Member

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    did you hear about the pervert farmer?
    he kept "mountain goats" !!!!
     
    #17
  18. danevo6

    danevo6 Member

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  19. danevo6

    danevo6 Member

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  20. danevo6

    danevo6 Member

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    The priest in a small village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.

    One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the **** was missing.

    He knew about **** fights in the village, so he questioned his

    parishioners in church.

    During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a ****?'

    All the men stood up.

    'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a ****?'



    All the women stood up.

    'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a **** that doesn't belong to them?'

    Half the women stood up.

    'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY ****?'

    Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

    The priest fainted
     
    #20

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